


Open Your Heart

by childofmalin



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: (?), (is that important to know? probably), Alternate Universe - 1980s, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Heavily Inspired by 'Pose', House Culture, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, New York City, Racism, Sexual Content, Strangers to Lovers, Transphobia, ballroom culture, ten works in a sex shop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:08:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27882765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/childofmalin/pseuds/childofmalin
Summary: Ten keeps thinking about whether that's cheating or not. But in all honesty, it feels even worse than that. This kind of intimacy is new even for Ten. He can't put it into words, but he feels like this might be the closest he's ever been to a man before. And it makes him feel vulnerable. But worse than that, he doesn't know if Johnny feels the same way. He just can't tell.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 8
Kudos: 20





	Open Your Heart

**Author's Note:**

> This took wayyyy to long to write lol
> 
> Disclaimer: The characters I used in the stories are ONLY inspired by the real owners of the names. I don't want to make ANYONE uncomfortable. Also, my intentions are not to ship these people in real life or to assume their sexuality. Please keep that in mind!
> 
> Before you start reading this story I'd like to talk about the background and inspiration I took. As you might read in the tags, this story is heavily inspired by a show called "Pose". I suggest watching the show first or getting familiar with the concept of the show in order to understand this story.  
> Ballroom Culture holds so much history of Queer POC (especially black people) in America. This story is not historically accurate, nor does it portrait gay relationships accurately in that time and place, but I still did my best to show some of the many struggles of gay/trans people of color back then.

Ten chose a bed over a bench.

He never thought it would be like that one day. Him having to dance for money. Him getting in the backseat of a car to suck a 50 year old man's dick for a few dollars. 

It all started with him celebrating his 18th birthday. He was back home, in the heart of London, receiving the best wishes from his family and friends. And just as the party had come to an end, his mother came into his room, smiling. 

"I still have something for you, dear", she had said. 

"I know your dream is to explore this world and become an artist. This is where you will start" 

And then she had handed him a ticket. 

For a flight to New York.

So it all started there. Him packing his bags, saying goodbye to his friends, his sister and his mother who had cried when they hugged for the last time before Ten's departure. 

"Please come visit us soon!" 

He thought leaving London was easy. But staying in New York turned out to be the hardest challenge in Ten's entire life yet.

The first weeks were fine. But everything was so different. And he spent his money irresponsibly as it just happened to be less than he had thought he had. 

And that's where it really went downhill in no time. 

First was him finally admitting that he was into men. No exceptions. The realization hit him when he accidentally walked into a gay bar and got invested in a conversation with an older man there. 

Second was him discovering drugs and eventually also taking them. Occasionally. It was New motherfucking York after all. 

Third was him getting beat up for being Asian and gay by four straight white boys. 

And when they also took all his money, he knew it was over with his American dream. 

Ten has always been passionate, though. Hard-working and enthusiastic when it came to achieving his goals. 

And maybe that was the light she saw in Ten when he performed on the streets. And the reason for her coming up to him, smiling brightly and telling him proudly "I will be your mother from now on". 

  
  


**_New York City_ **

_1987_

"The category is... Celebrity realness!" 

Cheers and claps can be heard over the loud music. The door swings open and the first house walks in, accompanied by even more cheers and shouts. 

"Make room for the legendary House of Eleganza!"

The lights in the room make Ten a little dizzy, but in the best way possible, a dazzling smile on his lips as he performs for the judges and the audience. Every ball night feels like the door to a new world to him. 

The outfit he's wearing is breathtaking, his lose shirt shimmering and sparkling with every move he makes. 

"Serving us very much red carpet looking luxury!" 

The cheers get louder, people to the right and the left snipping and shouting for them to show their respect and appreciation. 

Ten turns his head to the side and looks at the young man dancing right beside him. All the attention is on them. And all the attention is on the mother of their house, walking gracefully through the cheering people, dressed in a beautiful dress inspired by Debbie Allen's Academy Award ceremony in 1982. 

"And the judges say:"

Ten still vouges and poses, not stopping until they lift their cards. 

"10! 10! 10! 10!... 10! They did not come to play! The grand prize once again goes to 'House of Eleganza'!" 

Ten's heartbeat is louder than the cheers in his ears. There's adrenaline rushing in his veins. He feels like he's high on their success tonight. 

"Sweetie, will you please look after the kids while I'm gone? Jason has a fever, I need you to make him a soup and read him a book or something. Oh and can you please help Mary with her homework? She's having trouble concentrating, you know how it is"

It's what Mr John Suh hears first when he opens the door to his house, just having come back from work. 

"I sure will, don't worry about it"

She smiles at him and gives him a quick kiss before hurriedly leaving. 

John closes the door and takes off his coat, his shoes, then he loosens the tie on his plain white button up shirt and steps into the living room. He was freezing outside, since it's been snowing for the first time this winter. And when he glances outside of his window he realizes, it still kind of is. 

"Daddy, can you help me, pleeeaaaase?" 

The voice of his six year old daughter makes him forget what he was thinking about and he comes closer to the desk his daughter is sitting at, clearly unhappy. 

"I will, I promise. But I really need to go check on your very sick brother first, okay? I'll be back in a minute"

So he leaves the living room, walks upstairs and opens the first door on the left. His little boy is sleeping peacefully in his bed, wrapped in blankets. 

He's only four years old. He happened right after his wedding with Martha, a white middle-class woman with pretty strict parents that were against their marriage since John is not Christian, nor is he white but he had rich parents and that's where they agreed on their marriage. They had their first child, Mary, when he was 26. It had felt like destiny. 

But now it isn't anymore. 

John's dream was to settle down and build a family, but after the first years into his marriage with Martha he realized how much time he could've had exploring, experiencing, getting familiar with himself even. All this he can't have now. The thought makes his days dull and boring, gray and cold. 

He even thinks he's fallen out of love with his wife and it makes him anxious. How will this end? He has thought of cheating before. But he won't. He can't. He almost did one time on a business trip in Europe. There was this one girl, pretty eyes, plump lips and she had flirted with John for the whole night. In the end, they didn't do anything. 

To this day he thinks about what would've happened if he invited her into his hotel room. 

He walks back down the stairs, into the living room and helps his daughter with the homework. Outside, it's snowing again.

"What are y'all gonna get for Christmas?"

"You don't get yourself something for Christmas, that's pathetic"

"But a little self-care is more than important, baby"

Ten grins at his friend and rolls his eyes. 

"I wanna buy myself a necklace. A real one. Made out of like... Gold or something", the girl right beside him on the sofa says. 

"A necklace? I'll get you one for Christmas, there is no way we're going to buy our own presents this year"

Ten stands up and stretches his limbs before stepping into the small kitchen. Their dorm is considerably small in general. They didn't have the money for a big one in the center of the city, so they are happy with what they got. The house mother works daily for them, so they're grateful. 

Ten works too. Part time. In a small shop, hidden between regular ones. 

It's a sex shop. For everyone. And since no one has ever complained about it, it's still up and running. Ten is more than happy for the place he got there. The customers are usually really intrigued by Ten, commenting on his British accent. 

And it's not a rare occasion for Ten to go home with one of those male customers and share the fun. 

So it comes as no surprise when his house mother complains about him sleeping around too much as he comes into the kitchen to help her cook for dinner. 

"You're gonna get in trouble, Ten. I need you to go and take a test, okay? Do it for me. Do it for everyone else and yourself. You're too young, baby"

Ten is considerably young, yes. He has just turned 21 this year. But he's not the youngest in the community. He knows other houses with dancers even younger than him. And he knows for a fact that some of them were gone way too early in their life. 

The first time he'd heard about the virus was after his first time with a man. A year ago, that was. His mother had a long talk with him, about how it's a deadly disease and could kill him. So Ten makes sure to always use protection, but he never knows a hundred percent. The virus spreads fast. 

He has already witnessed his house losing someone because of that. So, he wants to make sure he's doing it right. 

"I will, mother. I promise", he says and takes her hand, smiling sadly. 

He's afraid. Of course he is, he should be. But walking into the hospital is probably the worst thing he has ever experienced. Worse than the cold streets, his near death experience after getting beaten up or the burning tears in his eyes when he had to deep throat the fourth guy that night for a laughable amount of money.

There are people sitting in chairs, waiting anxiously to get called in by a nurse. He spots gay couples, trans women. Here is no place for shame. It's a place of the living and the dead. 

And Ten just wishes he'll walk out of here, knowing that he'll live. Knowing that he's safe. He sits down on one of the chairs next to a young woman, her eyes a warm brown but filled with fear. 

He wants to say something like "It's gonna be alright", but he doesn't know that. So he stays silent, tapping his fingers against his thigh. 

"Ten?" He lifts his head. He's afraid. So afraid. 

"Please come with me"

He stands up, following the nurse with shaky legs. The only thing he can hear is his own heartbeat as he sits down in front of the doctor, her eyes fixated on the paper she's holding.

"Ten, you said you are with several same sex partners a week, right?"

"Yes" Why is she asking? No, it can't be-

"I suggest you to always use protection. Always ask your partner if they have been tested before sleeping with you. You tested negative" 

The breath Ten has been holding leaves his lips and takes all his fears and worries with them. He's safe. He'll live.

"Thank you"

The doctor only nods and points at the door for him to leave. So he does. The woman he sat next to looks at him and smiles when she recognizes that Ten looks hopeful and free. He will prey for her to live, too. 

"Just because you tested negative does NOT mean you get to be careless now. Be responsible", his friend tells him that evening. 

"I know and I won't. And the same goes for you, darling" He leans his head against his arm and sighs. 

"This world is cruel. But it created us, so we can't be at fault, can we?", he whispers.

"We're not at fault. This society is"

It's Wednesday when John goes shopping for Christmas for the first time this year. Still more than three weeks to go until they can celebrate, but Martha told him to go buy some decoration to set the mood. 

He buys some lights, candles, all the good stuff. He also goes to the market and buys all kinds of candy for the kids. And when he brings the stuff back to his car, his attention is suddenly caught by a small shop beside him. He normally never parks here because this area is known for the stealing, but he didn't mind today. He found a good parking spot so it doesn't matter anyway. 

'devil's kitchen', reads the name of the shop, glowing red. 

It only takes John a second to realize what kind of shop it is. And honestly, he doesn't turn his back on it. He is kind of curious. So he gets to his car fast, which stands just a block away from the shop, fills it with all the stuff he's bought and gets back to where he was standing a few minutes ago. And before he can think about it twice, a guy in the shop catches his glance. 

There's no turning back now. He opens the door and is met with warm air. It smells a little like sensual perfume in here. 

The guy he's made eye contact with makes his way towards him and he realizes he's the one that wears the sensual smelling perfume. 

He also notices that he's so much shorter than him, smaller and thinner. Younger too. He also has a pretty face and a dazzling smile on top of that. 

"What can I do for you, Sir?" 

John swallows down every bit of shame he feels. 

"I guess I'm just curious", he says and shrugs. 

"Would you like me to show you around then? Call me Ten"

The young man looks at him like he doesn't have another choice than to say yes, so he does. And he doesn't regret his decision. Ten also casually explains to him what kind of kinks people can have and even asks him if he has a specific one. John does his best to not get embarrassed but he fails and blushes. 

“Well no, I don't think so” He scratches the back of his head and looks at the floor to avoid Ten's curious gaze. 

“What do you like then? When you have sex? For example, do you like to give or receive pleasure?” 

John is caught off guard with this question, not knowing what to answer.

“Well, I'm assuming you have a wife?” Ten points at the silver ring on John's finger.

“And I assume you're only sleeping with her and you've only ever been into women. So, do you like to give or to receive?”

Into Women? Of course he's into women. Why wouldn't he be- John's eyes widen as he realizes why Ten said that. He also realizes that it's totally stupid, the way he thought Ten was like him when he first came in. He has makeup on his eyes, his style is quite interesting, his hands delicate and soft-looking. 

He's never talked to a gay person before. Should he behave differently? He wasn’t raised to believe that being into men was a sin, but he knew what people like him usually said about Ten's kind. He knew how the people in his office talked about them, how disgusting some of the things they said sounded to John. 

So he always stayed silent when it came to topics like that. He didn't want to be part of any of that. But now it seemed like he didn't have a choice. Maybe this way he could learn to understand. 

“Uhm, hello? Do you mind answering my question or should I ask another one instead?”

John clears his throat and shakes his head, avoiding Ten’s eyes, still. 

“No, I'm fine, I think I should get going. Thanks for… Showing me around” 

Ten is obviously disappointed as he turns to leave the shop. 

“You're welcome here anytime”, he hears him say before he opens the door, cold air hitting him immediately, making him shiver in his coat. The smell of Ten's perfume still lingering in his nose. 

Ten thinks about the tall man with his dark brown hair and his warm eyes a lot after he leaves. He was way out of his league, a married man, probably has a family at home too. But there was still something to him, a certain confusion, an uncertainty with himself maybe. Ten knows how to read people. So he predicts the mysterious man will show up in this shop again. 

And about three days later, he does. This time he has a nervous look in his face, nibbling on his bottom lip as he approaches Ten. 

“Long time no see. How can I help you this time, Sir?” 

Ten shows him one of his blinding smiles and watches his reaction carefully. He gets flustered. It makes Ten's heart jump in excitement. 

“I'm here...because I've made up my mind. I'm sorry for reacting the way I did last time. I want you to… Recommend me some things. And I really want you to recommend anything. Forget about last time” 

That surprises Ten, but it almost makes him happy. He's good at his job, so he might as well show off. 

“You come off as vanilla, a gentle giant. You like to give and make your partner feel good. Sometimes you want to receive, but you'd never want to hurt your partner, always asking for consent. Still, you're experimental. You don't mind trying out new things and you secretly want to explore a little more. I personally recommend not getting anything from this shop. Not yet. Ask your significant other what they want to try out and come back when you're both ready” 

His customer stares at him first, then at his shoes.

“Isn't there like anything I could-”

“Listen, if you know what you want, just take it. I'm not stopping you” 

“Well… I would, but… I don't think my wife would ever want to try something new. And I feel like I want… It just doesn't feel the same anymore. And after our second child we stopped sleeping with each other almost completely. Part of it is probably me. I'm not really in love with her anymore” 

“Okay. But why are you telling me this? I think your wife should hear this instead of me” Ten looks at him with a small smile on his lips. 

“I've never told anyone about it before and I just feel like you wouldn't judge me”, he tells him and sighs. “You know, because you'll never have these problems”

Ten's smile drops immediately. 

“Well, I do have other problems to deal with. And I don't really know what's worse. The fear of getting beaten up anytime or the fear of a divorce. You have all the privileges in the world, I suggest taking couple therapy sessions. Or why don't you just cheat, you guys can get away with it all the time”

He realizes how cold his voice got without intention, so he takes a breath before meeting the tall man's eyes.

“If you came here to cry about your unhappy marriage, please leave. I have better things to do than talk about a straight man's life problems”

“Fine then. I'll leave! I actually came here just to talk to you again, because you're interesting and you seem so confident and sure about yourself and I want to be like that too, but it seems like I'm too stupid to conversate like a normal fucking person!” 

Ten swallows. He did not expect that. 

“Fuck, I'm sorry… I'll just… Leave. Sorry for wasting your time” 

Ten doesn't stop him from opening the door. He wants to, kind of. But he just stays where he is, watching him walk back to his car through the snow. He knows he'll come back. He just knows. 

It takes John only two days to park in front of the small shop again. He wants to apologize. And it's been eating his insides, the feeling of not being able to figure himself out. There's a cup of hot chocolate in his hand, filling his car with its sweet smell. He waits about five minutes in the driver seat until he feels prepared to face Ten again. Then he opens the door, steps out and locks the car. The lights of the shop glow invitingly. 

When he comes in, he's immediately met with Ten's perfume once again. He sits behind the counter, reading a book. He's wearing glasses. It looks good on him. 

“I figured you'd show up again” Ten looks up from his book. “You're lucky I work here every day”

John steps closer and looks into his eyes, smiling slightly. 

“I just came here to apologize”, he says and places the cup of hot chocolate on the counter for Ten to see. “And uhm… I bought this for you”

Ten's face lights up and he takes the cup into both of his hands. “Wait, is that hot chocolate?” 

John laughs and nods with a shrug. “Yeah. I wasn't sure whether you like coffee or not. And everyone loves hot chocolate so I went for that instead”, he explains and watches how Ten carefully takes a sip. 

“I do like hot chocolate. Thank you. That's very sweet of you, darling. And by the way, you are forgiven”

John blushes at the pet name, but he tries to ignore what it does to him. It's quite embarrassing, he feels like a teen. 

“You're welcome. I should get going now, though… It's pretty late”

“Yes, you probably should. But before you go… What's your name?” 

John doesn't hesitate to answer him. “I'm Johnny”, he tells him with a smile. “See you around” And then he leaves with a warm and content feeling in his chest. He really wants to see him again soon. 

When he arrives at home the lights in the living room are already off. He silently sneaks into the kitchen and eats the rest of the dinner Martha made. The kids are probably already sleeping. 

“John…what took you so long today” His wife is leaning against the door frame. 

He thinks about Ten for a second. “I was just getting a coffee, I felt kind of tired after work” 

He knows Martha hates when he gets home late. She hates it so much that she took John's wallet for a week after he was half an hour late once. They fought for days after that. That's one of the many reasons he's fallen out of love. 

“Yeah, you were getting coffee, huh. I don't believe you. Do you know what I think? I think you met with this girl, the one that works in your office”

“Jesus, Martha, I swear to God I was just drinking a coffee!” 

He thinks she might be paranoid. So afraid of him cheating that she makes him want to cheat in the first place. Crazy. 

“Look, I talked with a guy and I made a new friend. I'm not lying to you. You know I'm not. Now, can I please just…”

“She's pretty, isn't she… The girl. She has blonde hair and a beautiful body and she's younger than me-”

“Stop talking shit, I'm tired, okay? I don't wanna hear this right now. Good night!”

John leaves the kitchen without looking at his wife and walks up the stairs. He sleeps in the guest room that night.

“The category is… Glorious, glittery winterball”

The first one to walk is dressed in a white gown, shimmering in the disco lights. 

“I see a dollar store version of an ice queen, this is not what to wear for a dance with the prince, miss!”

Next is a tall woman with fake snowflakes glistening in her dark curls, a dress so breathtaking it makes Ten hype her up as loud as he can even though she's not from his house. 

“This is what I'm talking about! You look rich, baby girl, take all my money!”

She wins, because of course she does. It's well deserved. Ten sips on his drink and watches the man that has been eyeing him for the past five minutes now. 

“Are you planning on talking to me or are you just admiring my beauty from afar?”, he asks him with a cocky smile. 

“I'm… Well, I don't think I have a chance, you're beautiful”, the man says and smiles at him. “I've seen you here before, you're different”

“I'm different?” Ten cocks an eyebrow. “Because I'm the only Asian here or because I radiate a different energy?”

The man laughs and shakes his head. “Well… You just caught my attention. Wanna go outside for a smoke?”

“I don't smoke, darling” Ten takes another sip from his drink.

“We could still go outside together, though. I could walk you home”, the man suggests. Ten doesn't really know what to answer. He wants to check on his shop before going home and he really doesn't plan on sleeping with some random guy tonight.

“I'm fine. Maybe we can talk a little more tomorrow” He places the drink on the counter of the bar and gives the man an apologetic smile. “Good night, darling”

He leaves in a hurry. He has to be home early. Well, he doesn't have to, but he should be. He pulls his fur coat tighter around his body as he steps outside, snow under his shoes. It's cold. The streets are still alive, but no one is here on the sidewalk. It's not that late yet, but no one really comes here aside from the houses that join the ballroom, so the sidewalks stay empty most of the time. 

Ten is glad that his shop isn't far from here. He walks about five minutes until he can hear footsteps following him. He doesn't turn his head, but he speeds up his walking pace, praying the footsteps will stop or fade after a while. They don't. In fact, they get even closer. It makes Ten shiver, makes his heart speed up uncomfortably. Sometimes he hates being alone. 

The shop finally comes into view and Ten tries to relax, but then he hears a voice. 

“I know you want me” The voice belongs to the man he'd just met in the ballroom. 

“Come on, I'm not interested in sleeping with you, haven't I made myself clear?”

“You said we'd talk tomorrow. Why not tonight? It's not even late” The man comes closer. Ten involuntarily takes a few steps back. 

“Why did you even follow me, I'm not okay with being stalked, alright?” Ten feels anger inside of him. He doesn't really have the nerves for this right now. This evening started out so good, he doesn't want it to be ruined now. 

“You didn't answer my question. Why not tonight, huh? I can see it in your eyes, I can see you want me. Why don't we go back to my apartment and have some fun, baby?”

“Don't call me baby. I'm not your baby” He's so close now that Ten can smell his cologne. He's not angry anymore. He's afraid. He knows that look in his eyes. He won't stop. Ten has seen that look before. He really doesn't want to deal with someone like that again. So he takes another step back until he feels the cold wall against his hands. He just doesn't stop coming closer. 

“Back off before I call the police!”, Ten tries to say sternly, but his voice breaks. The man looks so much stronger than him. He wouldn't stand a chance. 

“You think they're gonna come here and arrest me? Oh baby, look at you, so helpless”

Ten feels a cold hand pressed against his cheek. He really doesn't want to get in trouble. But he feels like he doesn't have a choice, he has to do something- 

“HEY! Get your hands off of him!” 

The man is obviously startled and let's his hand fall, looking at the direction the voice came from. Ten follows his gaze and finds himself surprised. Johnny is standing a few meters away from them, hands balled into fists. He looks quite intimidating like that. 

“You don't want me to call the cops on you, do you. Leave”

The man does, but not after shooting Ten a bitter glance. 

“Gosh, what an asshole. You have to deal with that often?”, he asks Ten, whose back is still pressed against the wall. 

“Well, sometimes, yes... Why are you here? It's… It's late”

Johnny shrugs and sighs. “I actually hoped to see you work in the shop? I thought it was opened today, but obviously it's already closed. Good thing I still came, though… Are you alright? Did he like… Touch you, hurt you in any way?” 

There's real concern in Johnny's voice and in his eyes too. Ten feels so comfortable now. With him. It's cold and his heart is still beating fast from what had just happened, but he feels oddly safe. 

“No, I'm not hurt. I'm alright. Thank you for coming to rescue me, I really do appreciate that”, he says quietly. “I just need to see if the shop is locked, then I'll go home” 

“I can give you a ride. I don't want something like that to happen to you again. And it's pretty cold, so…”

Ten nods, a smile slowly forming on his lips. 

The shop is locked and no one broke in, Ten discovers. He also discovers that Johnny has a pretty decent car. It smells like coffee when he gets inside and he likes it. 

“I'm truly thankful, I wish I could do something for you in return” He looks at Johnny, who starts the car, the radio silently playing a Christmas song in the background. 

“I'm doing this for me too, you know. I want to stay away from home today for as long as possible” He sighs and turns to look at Ten for a moment. “I had a fight with my wife…I wish I just… Had the guts to tell her I want a divorce. But the kids, they're precious to me, you know. She'll of course get full custody of them. I can't win this battle, but I wish I could do something to stop stressing about that” 

Ten doesn't really understand his struggle, but he still places his hand on Johnny's for a split second. In contrast to his, it's warm. Johnny gives him a surprised look, before concentrating on driving again. 

“You will get there. I believe you have a strong heart and a heart that knows what's right. Follow that feeling”, Ten says quietly and smiles warmly.

“I will” Johnny smiles too and for a moment he almost reaches out to take Ten's cold hand into his. What would happen if he did?

“I can't believe I'm getting advice from someone who's never been married and is about ten years younger than me”, he laughs. “Wait, I actually never asked you”

“I'm 21. And I'm single, yes. And I'm assuming your something in between 28 and 31”

“I'm actually 33, you were close enough” 

Ten watches Johnny laugh again. He looks younger than 33. Maybe it's because he talks and behaves like he's younger. But then again, Ten doesn't know him.

They spend the rest of the drive small-talking and Ten guides him through the city every now and then until they arrive at the apartment. 

“Oh, you live… Here?” Johnny looks surprised.

“Yes, I do. I live with six other people in a small dorm. But we get along and I'm thankful for everything I have here”, Ten answers. “Oh and thank you for the ride”

“Anytime” Johnny smiles softly as he says that. It makes Ten have really weird feelings. Well, not weird, just warm and giddy and fuzzy and soft, maybe. 

“I'll see you soon” 

He only realizes how fast his heart is beating after he gets out of the car.

Johnny comes to visit him often after that. They talk in his shop or drink coffee during Johnny's breaks. He believes they're forming a strong friendship. But he also believes that the way Ten looks at him is so… Different from the way his other friends tend to look at him. Not even his wife ever looked at him like that. He can't quite put a finger on it yet, so he just lets it be.

“I'd like to take a walk in the park with you sometime… It's pretty cold outside, but we could get some hot coffee and something to eat afterwards. My treat”, Johnny suggests on a Friday evening, four days before Christmas. 

Ten is busy closing the shop, but he nods in agreement. 

“Yes, why not. You could also help me pick presents for… My friends. I still haven't bought any, but I really want to surprise them this year”, he says, turning to Johnny. Ten's friends. They never talk about them and Johnny wonders if Ten actually has friends, since he's never seen any of them in the shop or when he drops Ten off at the dorm. Johnny sometimes also wonders how Ten's love life looks like. He knows he's gay, he knows for sure. Ten has told him even after he found out himself during their first encounter. 

He remembers how he used to be in Ten's age. He had a lot of girlfriends that time. And he used to be the college-heartbreaker. But Ten seems so mature for his age. He never talks about his crushes or anything like that. Johnny kind of wants him to, though. He's ready to listen and to learn. Maybe Ten's still hesitating because of his sexuality, but Johnny doesn't really care. He likes Ten.

“I'd love to help you out. I need to pick presents for my kids, too. I mean I don't know if you can help me, but-”

“No, I really want to do that. I have time on weekends, so let's meet up tomorrow” Ten looks up to him with one of his blinding smiles. 

Johnny finds himself smiling back, touching Ten's arm ever so slightly. He catches Ten blushing. 

“I'm telling you, you're gonna fall in love and it's not gonna end well because he's way older than you and totally out of your league”, Ten’s friend tells him while they're watching a movie on the TV, cuddled up against each other on the couch. 

It's pretty cold in the dorm, Ten blames it on their broken heater. It's a shame. 

“It's really not like that. We're… We're friends. And I hope to grow closer to him, he's a good person. I feel like I have some sort of connection to him and I want to keep it. It might be unusual, but I can't help it. He makes me feel so comfortable and safe”

Ten sighs and looks at the tea cup he's holding to warm his hands. It's weird. The way he feels so close to a man that he can't even relate to. A man who is so much more experienced. A man that seems to be trapped in his own cage, waiting to break free. Ten wants to help him. Just be there for him. Enjoy their conversations and the way Johnny looks into his eyes sometimes, with so much depth and warmth. 

It's just different from anything else Ten has here in NYC. So different from his one-night-stands, useless hook-ups with people he doesn't talk with and probably never will afterwards. It's also different from the memories he holds from home. But he doesn't think about home too often. Here's his home now. And he's certain that Johnny is going to be part of it. 

“You do look like you're so in love” His friend laughs and pats his head. “I'll let you do your thing. Just don't get your precious heart broken”

Ten dreams of Johnny that night. He dreams of holding his big hand, dreams of them kissing under a mistletoe. The dream feels so real that when Ten awakes, his lips still tingle slightly from the kiss. But he's not falling in love. Not at all. 

They go shopping together the next day. Johnny has quite a lot of money, Ten realizes. And he also likes to spend it, it seems. 

“Do you always spoil your kids with so many gifts?”, Ten asks him and eyes the toys in Johnny's cart. 

“Yeah, I do… Martha also told me to buy a lot this year, since she doesn't have time to get the presents. We usually do the shopping together, you know” With that, he presses his lips together. Ten feels the way Johnny's mood changes as soon as he talks about his wife. 

“Do you two still fight every day?” He's genuinely curious. It's not like he knows that many husbands. And he also kind of wants to know what he's getting himself into. He's aware of the way Johnny looks at him. He can see how curious he is about what it feels like to fool around with someone, especially with someone like Ten. And Ten is not mad about it. He's just waiting for the moment Johnny breaks and touches him. 

He's waiting, both anxiously and excitedly. 

“Yes, we do. Sometimes we don't talk at all. I mostly sleep on the couch or our guest room because it just… Feels wrong to sleep next to a person you don't feel connected to anymore, you know”

“I can imagine” And they drop the topic after that. They choose presents for Ten's friends, mostly jewelry and perfumes and then they eat for lunch in a diner. 

It's snowing again outside, heavy snowflakes covering the streets, but rapidly melting again on the wet ground. Ten is so focused on watching the snow that he doesn't even notice Johnny's hand softly brushing his at first. But when he does, his heart does a flip and the blood comes rushing to his face. He pulls his hand back, not because he doesn't like it, but because he is surprised. 

“I-I'm sorry, that was not appropriate, I-” Johnny immediately tries to apologize, but Ten cuts him off. 

“It's fine. I was just surprised, but I don't mind you wanting to hold my hand. Just tell me and I will”, he says with a smile on his lips. 

Now Johnny is the one to be surprised. He doesn't say anything back, so Ten just goes back to eating.

“I'll ask you to hold my hand when we're in private” His voice is lowered, like these words are only meant for Ten's ears and his only. It makes the excitement in Ten grow, just as much as the anxiety. He wants this, but he also doesn't. He wants to be in love. He wants to experience something like that with Johnny, but he doesn't want to be just an experiment to him. 

He wants to be closer than just that, but he's convinced he can't have it. So he ignores all the bad feelings inside of him, focusing only on the good one's. 

They leave the diner and walk back to Johnny's car, but after they put their bags inside, Johnny stops him from getting in as well. 

“I want to buy a present for you, too”, he tells him. “And I'd like for you to choose it. I'll buy whatever you want” 

Ten is left speechless for a few seconds, before he catches himself. “But you don't even know me for that long-”

“I don't care. You're someone special to me. And you deserve it” 

His heart warms at his words, but he sighs and shakes his head. “I don't need a present from you… Besides, before you buy anything for me, I want you to get to know me better” He means it. 

There's so much he wants Johnny to know. He wants him to know everything. And Johnny agrees, so they go to Johnny's favorite coffee shop in the area. 

They choose to sit near by the window, the cushions they sit on are soft and the atmosphere warm. It feels almost like a date.

“I don't know if you will understand everything I'm about to tell you, but I'm part of a house. I came to New York when I was eighteen and I was so young and so stupid that my money was gone in no time. I lived on the streets for quite a while until my house mother chose me” 

Johnny looks confused, but he listens and doesn't ask. 

“Have you ever heard of a ball?”

That's when Johnny's eyes light up. “Oh yeah. I've heard my co-workers speak about that once. They weren't really nice about it, though. I only know that gay people dance there”

“They don't just dance and it's not only gay people. There's women too”

“You mean men dressing up as women?”

Ten feels himself slightly tensing up. He prays that Johnny will understand. 

“No. I mean women. Like my mother, my house mother”, he says proudly and Johnny nods. 

“You must really love her” His tone is soft as he speaks. 

“Yes, I do… I admire her, she's the strongest woman I know. I'm so grateful to be in her house. We get to dress up real fancy and walk during balls, bring pride to our house and to our community. That's what a ball is all about”, he explains. “Right now, it's the biggest part of my life. And I want you to know that. And respect that” 

Johnny's smile is warm as their eyes meet. “I respect and acknowledge that. Thank you for telling me about that, though. I didn't know something like that could have such a big impact on your life” He takes a sip of his coffee.

Ten is happy. Happy, because Johnny's words come with relief, welcoming and warm. It's the first time Ten has ever had someone just listen to him and accept this part of him like this. It makes him feel even more connected to this man, the man he thinks he might be falling for a little bit. How embarrassing. 

“So, what about you, Johnny? I want to know more about you” Ten sees the hesitation on his face. 

“I've told you about my kids, right?”, he asks and the smile returns on his plump lips. 

“They're amazing. I really… If I could choose, I'd immediately volunteer to become a single dad. I can take care of two kids alone” He sighs, but Ten softly touches his hand to cheer him up. 

“When you're ready to tell your wife, you will both talk it out. Don't worry about it now”, he tells him reassuringly. It sounds easier than it probably is for Johnny. 

“Yeah, I hope we will”

“But let's change the topic, I want to know YOU. For example what is your hobby?”

Johnny thinks for a few seconds before answering. “I played the piano for a while. I still do sometimes when I have the time. Aside from that I don't have any hobbies. I like to make friends, like to go out and enjoy myself. At least I used to, but with being part of a family comes also taking responsibility. And time. Right now, you're the only friend I'm seeing regularly”

“That makes sense. My friends all live in the same place as me, so I cannot relate” Johnny laughs at Ten's words. 

“Don't you want some time for yourself, sometimes?”, he asks him curiously.

Ten takes his time to think. Well, he does. But he barely gets the chance to.

“Of course I do, but I'm not complaining about how I live now. I'm grateful for everything I have. Though I hook up with some people just to get to sleep in a quieter place sometimes, my favorites are hotels” 

With a grin, he lifts his cup to his lips while watching Johnny, who seems to be a little caught off guard by the answer. 

“You hook-up with people just to sleep in a hotel? That's something I've never heard before”, he chuckles. “This might come unexpectedly, but… Do you have a type?”

Ten almost chokes on the tea he's drinking. A type? Johnny is asking him for the type of men he's looking for? “I-I don't really have a type to be quite honest with you. I just like men that make me feel comfortable. And if they can make me feel good, even better”

The way Johnny's eyes light up just a little bit doesn't go unnoticed. 

“Good to know”

They sit like this for a while, just enjoying each other's company and the hot coffee. It's already getting dark outside, small snowflakes tumbling down the sky, settling on the streets only to melt seconds after. 

When they leave, Ten feels his heart beating a little faster in his chest. He doesn't know why he feels excited all of a sudden, maybe it's the way Johnny smiles at him. 

“Ten, I… It's getting late, but I really want to spend more time with you”, he says quietly and Ten watches his breath evaporate in the cold air. “I'm thinking of maybe looking for a hotel for one night, just for us to talk. I'll leave you whenever you want though, I promise, so you can have this night just for yourself. I just don't wanna leave now and-” 

“Stop talking. Let's book a room, you don't need to explain anything, darling”, Ten whispers like he's out of breath, because he almost feels like he is. He can't wait. Can't wait to hold his hand like he promised him to. Can't wait to talk even more, listen to his soothing voice. 

They choose a simple hotel. A room for one. The receptionist doesn't spare them a weird look and it makes Ten feel a little bit relieved. When they enter the room though, he feels himself getting nervous for no reason again. And Johnny notices. 

“Hey, I won't touch you. I won't do anything without your permission. I promise”, he tells him softly and Ten melts. 

“I know, I trust you. I… I just want to hold your hand, if that's okay” He catches Johnny blushing a little and it makes him smile, but then he feels a big, warm hand touching his own and he stops breathing for a moment. Johnny's hand is a little rough against his soft one. It does weird things to him, his stomach bubbling with excitement. 

“Just like that?”, he hears him ask. 

“Just like that”

Ten keeps thinking about whether that's cheating or not. But in all honesty, it feels even worse than that. This kind of intimacy is new even for Ten. He can't put it into words, but he feels like this might be the closest he's ever been to a man before. And it makes him feel vulnerable. But worse than that, he doesn't know if Johnny feels the same way. He just can't tell. 

The way Johnny speaks, the way he discreetly touches him, the way he looks at him with affection written all over his face is so different from any man Ten has ever slept with. And it makes him worried, makes him anxious, because he doesn't know if that's just him experimenting. Just him cheating, getting out of his marriage to try something new. Ten doesn't want to be “something new”. He doesn't want to be the Gay Cheat. The straight man's little secret. 

“Can I kiss you?”, is what Johnny asks him then and Ten thinks he might be way too weak to say no and tell him how he really feels. He knew this would come anyways. 

“Johnny…” It sounds pathetic, weak and desperate. But Johnny doesn't move, he waits patiently for Ten to answer. “Go ahead”

And that's when Johnny moves slowly, the grip on his hand loosening before he intertwines their fingers and comes closer until Ten can smell his cologne and feel his breath against his lips. Ten's body feels hot all over, like he's burning up. This is it. After the kiss, there's no going back. Johnny's hand comes up to softly brush his hair out of his face, then he leans down, until their lips almost touch. It's too much. Ten feels himself shaking in Johnny's hold. 

“God, Johnny, I can't-” 

And he immediately stops leaning in. Johnny looks at Ten with worried eyes. “Are we going too fast?”, he asks him and softly strokes Ten's burning cheek. “We can just talk, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked” 

His words sound so reassuring and warm, and Ten wishes he was strong enough to tell him that he doesn't fear his touch, he wants to tell him that he'd love to kiss him. He wishes he was strong enough to tell him he wants something that might last longer. But he stays silent and just looks up into Johnny's warm eyes, losing himself just a little bit. “You told me you wanted to get me a Christmas present as well… I actually do have a wish” 

Johnny looks at him with a bright smile. “I'll get you anything, just tell me”

“I want you to visit me on Christmas. I want to spend some time with you, just… Two hours of your time, if that's possible”, he whispers. The look in Johnny's eyes changes slightly. He looks quite surprised, but surprised in a good way. 

“Yes. I'll make that possible, I promise” 

Johnny leaves the hotel at 10 pm. He knows Martha won't be happy to see him come home that late, but he doesn't care. For the first time in years, he really feels free again. He smiles at the thought of Ten, listening to him so attentively, touching his hand every now and then. The smile doesn't leave his lips until he arrives at his home, only falling as he steps out of the car. The lights are off. Johnny takes all of the presents and makes his way to the door, carefully opening it. 

He steps in as quietly as he can. 

“Where have you been, John?” 

The light in the doorway turns on and John is met with his wife's furious eyes. “And DON'T try to tell me you've only been shopping for Christmas, because I know that's a fucking lie. I do not bring our kids to bed just to wait for my cheating husband to come home and tell me lies, lies, just fucking lies!” 

“Martha, I was-”

“Don't put my name in the mouth you've probably kissed someone else with, I swear to God, John. Don't you dare try to justify anything! Get out of my face!” 

John just looks at her with a pained expression on his face, then he turns to go outside, leaving behind the presents in the doorway. He feels his heart beat in his chest painfully hard, but he tries to ignore his anger as he starts the car and drives back into the city. He sleeps over at a good friend's of his, thanking him quietly as he steps in. He can't sleep that night, Ten's lips and his soft voice on his mind and his wife's harsh words too. He knows he has to give up one, to have the other. And it's not going to be an easy task to do.

“Merry Christmas!”

“Merry Christmas, my sweet, sweet babies!”

“Oh stop the talking, let's open our presents”

Ten watches as the others unpack the presents he got them. He feels proud as he sees their faces light up with happiness. 

“I can't believe you got me a necklace, Ten”

“Anything for you, darling”, he just says and grins. “And don't you all worry about the prices. I saved up, it's all good” 

His friends laugh and shove some presents in his directions. “Unpack, they're for you”

But before Ten gets to unpack the first little package, the doorbell rings. 

“I'm gonna get this, don't wait for me”, the house mother tells them and stands up. Ten's focus shifts back to the presents and just as he wants to unpack, his mother calls him to the door. “There's someone for you here, Ten” 

And it's no other than Johnny himself. 

“What… What are you doing here and how did you find out where I live-”

“It wasn't hard to find out since only three of the apartments here have people living in it”, he tells him with a small smile on his lips. “You told me your wish was seeing me on Christmas. And I'm here to make that wish come true. Just tell me when and where and I'll be there, I promise”

Ten looks up into Johnny's eyes and nods. “Fine. Let's meet this evening at 9pm. I'll be in the same hotel like last time. Ask the receptionist for my name and knock twice on the door” 

It's been three days since they almost kissed, three days in which Johnny hasn't called nor visited Ten once. 

“Before I go, I also just wanted to say… Merry Christmas, Ten” And with that Ten smiles up to him. 

“Merry Christmas to you too” 

  
  


Johnny feels his heart beating rapidly in his chest. It almost gets worse when he enters the hotel and asks for his name, only calming down when the receptionist calmly nods and tells him the room he's staying in. He hurriedly takes the elevator, fixing his shirt as he steps out and walks towards the room. 110, reads the number in gold. 

He takes a deep breath before knocking on the door. The door opens and he's met with a very pretty looking Ten in only a bathrobe, his black hair dripping wet. 

“Johnny…”

“Ten” Johnny leaves his worries behind and calms his breath. “I'm really sorry for not contacting you in the last few days, I probably had the worst fight with Martha yet and-” 

Ten grabs his hand and pulls him in, closing the door behind him. “It's okay. Stay here”, he whispers, still holding his hand. 

“And with ‘stay here’, I mean stay the night” Ten tells him and looks down on the floor like he's ashamed. Johnny looks at him in surprise, but before he can ask if he's sure, Ten interrupts him.

“I really want you to stay. I wanted you to stay last time, secretly. I'm just worried that I'll be an experiment to you, nothing serious. That's why I couldn't kiss you, because I wanted to be sure that you mean it” Ten's voice sounds so small all of a sudden. 

“Ten” Johnny comes closer, so close that he smells the shampoo Ten has used just now. “Baby, look at me”

Ten lifts his head and everything stops. Johnny wants to kiss him so bad. Wants to touch him so bad, wants to tell him that he's serious about this so bad. He wants to take him out to fancy restaurants and walk through the park holding hands. He wants all that but he can't say it. Instead, he places his lips on Ten's softly, his hands coming to hold his small waist. 

He can hear the younger sigh into the kiss, melting against his body as their lips move together. It feels like home, this kiss. Like they've always meant to be so close. The kiss only breaks when he feels Ten's robe shifting and when they part, he sees the knot has loosened and the robe is falling over Ten's shoulder, exposing the soft skin of his shoulders, his chest.

“Gosh, you look beautiful”, he says his thoughts out loud.

“Johnny, please touch me…” 

Ten is visibly blushing, he's shyly avoiding his gaze, holding onto his robe to prevent it from falling down completely. 

And Johnny doesn't hesitate, leaning down to latch his lips on his neck, pressing wet kisses onto the soft skin that leave him shivering and gasping in Johnny's hold. He's never done something like this before. Never kissed a man, never touched a man, not even a woman, like he touches Ten. All he wants is to be closer to him, to make him feel good and safe and watch him fall apart in pleasure and warmth. He places his hand on his exposed thigh, parting his legs until he's completely pressed up against him. 

And then he feels Ten's hardness against his crotch and it makes Ten moan and tug on his hair. 

“Johnny… Wait”

He stops and looks into Ten's dazed eyes. Did he do something wrong? Should they stop and wait?

“I don't know if I can do this”, he whispers and bites down on his lip. “I don't want you to leave”

“I'll stay the night, baby, like you wished” Johnny tells him and softly caresses his soft thighs. 

“But you'll leave tomorrow. You'll go back to your wife and tell her you didn't cheat. You'll go back and we'll never become something serious” There's pain in Ten's voice. “But I want it to be, because I really like you, Johnny” 

Johnny has spent over thirty years searching for something, an adventure maybe or a sudden change in his life. Something that would make him the person he always wanted to be. He's given up trying to be the fullest version of himself, he's given up everything for the picture perfect family he wanted to have. But having it made him realize his dream was empty. 

Now he's here, with a man in his arms, a beautiful man on top of that. And Johnny wants to be part of this man's life just as much as he wants it himself. 

“I want it too, Ten. I want everything that comes with… Us. I'm willing to make sacrifices and I'm going to make them right. Do you trust me, baby?”

Ten looks up to him and nods without saying a word. Then he leans closer until Johnny feels his lips ghosting over the shell of his ear. 

“I trust you more than anyone else”, he whispers and it makes Johnny's heart almost explode. “You can touch me now”

And Johnny does. He carefully opens the knot of his robe completely and watches as it falls to the floor. Ten is blushing, hiding his face behind his hands, but Johnny takes them down and kisses Ten softly on the lips. They slowly make it to the bed, clothes scattered on the floor. Every touch and every kiss drives Ten further into becoming a mess, until Johnny big hand closes around his cock and swiftly begins to move. 

Johnny's licks his nipple, softly biting it and it makes Ten moan prettily and his legs shake just a little. 

“I don't want to come like this”, he suddenly says and stops Johnny's hand around his cock. “I want you inside of me, please” 

Those words alone are enough to make Johnny throb in his underwear and he's pretty sure he could come just by Ten talking to him like this. 

“But I'm not really sure of what to do, I've never done this before”, he tells him and strokes the side of his hip gently. “And I don't want to hurt you” 

Ten smiles softly at his words and shakes his head. “No, silly, you won't hurt me if you're patient enough. But you're right, maybe we shouldn't go this far yet. You do seem very big” 

That makes Johnny laugh, but his laughter almost turns into a moan as soon as Ten strokes his hardness through the fabric of his boxers. And when he pulls them down and spits into his hands, making the slide wet and easy, Johnny thinks this man might be the death of him. 

So it ends like this tonight. Sloppy hand jobs and longing kisses until both of them decide to go wash up, kissing under the shower. They fall asleep cuddled against each other, since the bed is not necessarily big enough for the both of them.

Johnny holds Ten tightly to his chest. He feels comfortable with his small body pressed against him. He feels safe.

“I told you you'd fall”

Ten looks at his best friend, but then proceeds to stare back outside. 

“You know it won't last, right? You can't be with him. You're both worlds apart from each other”

Every sentence feels like a stab into Ten's heart, because he knows it's true. 

“What if I'm too selfish to tell him we can't see each other anymore?”, he tells him and bites his lip. “I'm selfish and I want to be. I don't care if I'll get my heart broken” 

“Ten, you know that's stupid! You belong to our house! You belong to the ballroom! He is a father!”

“Stop, please!”

Ten shuts his eyes close.

When he opens them, he sees Johnny. 

“I won full custody of my kids!” 

He looks so happy. 

“And I've also applied for a new job. I'll soon be the person I've always dreamed of being”

“I'm happy for you”

“I wasn't talking to you, Ten”

Ten looks at him in confusion, but then he turns to the side, just to see a woman stand there, smiling brightly at Johnny. 

“But… You said you want this with me… I trusted you, Johnny! Why are you leaving me now, can't we-”

Ten's eyes fly open the second he awakes. He's in the hotel room, everything is dark, Johnny's warm body behind him. And then he realizes that Johnny was the one waking him up.

“You were talking in your sleep, baby”, he whispers and carefully wraps an arm around Ten's waist. “You're scared of me leaving you”

Ten sighs and relaxes in Johnny's hold. “I am. Sorry for waking you”

“You don't need to be scared. I promise I won't leave. I promise”

Ten feels him press a few soft kisses on his neck. “Now sleep. We'll talk all you want about this in the morning, okay?”

“Okay”

It feels like it'll be alright. Maybe it won't, but Ten has Johnny's promise. And maybe even his heart. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I struggled a lot with John's character and his realizations. As you might have realized, "Johnny" and "John" are the two versions of how he paints himself. You can interpret that however you want, but I can guarantee you that I had no intentions of making him a quote on quote "good person".  
> After the realization of him being into Ten (no necessarily into men), he does NOT tell his wife he cheats, he does not tell her he's interested in someone else. While he wants to be with Ten, he doesn't know what exactly he wants with him. So I never wrote he fell in love or even had a crush on Ten himself. 
> 
> As interesting as I wanted his character to be, in the end it's up to the reader to decide how this relationship might end and if John really is willing to make sacrifices or not.
> 
> Anyways, thank you so much for reading! Your welcome to point out any mistakes I might've made, I appreciate every type of feedback. 
> 
> By the way, if you're interested in more, feel free to suggest anything! I take requests.


End file.
